Sign Felled. A Post About Nothing.

This has been a killer week.

I have lost count of how many patients I’ve seen in two clinics and in EDs around the state of South Carolina for Telepsychiatry. There have been children out of control, threats to shoot, stab, hit, bite, run, rape, murder and commit suicide.

There have been too many notes to type, too many prescriptions to call in, too many records to review.

There have been justifications for drug abuse and justifications for abusing your wife. There have been people so psychotic that they didn’t even believe that they had a mental illness, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

There have been scammers and sweet talkers and threateners. There have been people I met for the first time and people I saw again for the first time in a decade. There have been people who professed love for me and people who couldn’t wait to get away from me.

There have been gratitude, happiness, sadness, regret, fear, irritability, guilt, anger, jealousy, worry, concern, disbelief, joy, anticipation, longing, love, hate, impatience, inquisitiveness, impulsivity, plodding, planning, perusing, predicting, fantasizing, and calculating.

I have used my brain, my iPhone, my fingers, my iPad, my hands, my MacBook Air, my feet, my scanner, my eyes, my camera, my ears, my earphones, a notebook, a pencil, a pen, paper, tape, boxes, folders, file cabinets, hard drives and flash drives.

I have driven a car. I have walked. I have flopped down flat, so tired that I thought I should set two separate alarms just to be sure. I have sat under a blanket. I have become intimate with the markings…markings…markings…markings on the belt of a treadmill. I have smelled the leather of the recliner and wondered why I don’t spend more time in that wonderful chair. I have ventured out on the porch, saying hello to the tiny feathered couple who occupy the nest above my rocker.

I have listened to music and podcasts, read a book, perused a paper publication, downloaded and read a PDF, held a real newspaper in my hands and smiled at the little known fact that ink smudges are still seen in the wild.

I have created.

I have destroyed.

I’m happy about the one, but not about the other. I’ll let you guess which is which.

I have felt-viscerally.

I have spoken-harshly.

I have cried-softly.

I have laughed-often.

I have remembered the past through songs and stories and pictures.

I have envisioned the future through day dreams and night dreams and plotting and planning and scheming and hoping and yes, even praying.

God.

Things are never tidy. Things are never neat. Things are never orderly.

Actually, things are just things.

Feelings are just feelings.

There will be more of all of it.

There will be less of some of it.

I’ll be here.

Maybe the next post will be about something.

When it writes itself, I’ll share it with you.

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Photo taken February 15, 2014, on the South Rim Trail of Tallulah Gorge State Park, Tallulah Falls, GA, USA, with an iPhone 5s.

14 thoughts on “Sign Felled. A Post About Nothing.

  1. Damn, you work in a fascinating field, wide spectrum of all patients, and i can see a wide spectrum of observations, reactions, feelings, no two days are the same. Loving it, hating it, wanting to quit, wanting to work forever, wanting to build a psychiatric annex to hospital, wanting to burn the damn thing down, how could they do that, jeez lock those weapons away from me.
    One thing ya gotta say, it ain’t boring!

    john bennett md
    internetmedicine.com

  2. My heart goes out to you…It’s been a tough time.  It seems that everything that could go wrong…did! Chalk it up to experience  and lessons learned. You vented, got it out of your system, chill out in your favorite chair, with a glass of something,(even lemonade) put your feet up, relax, raise your glass and say “Thank you.”…this too will pass. Hang in. It could be worse…..you could be me!   Sincerely, Lucille

  3. I would say this was a lot of something to come from nothing. Rest up this weekend ~~ next week could be a whole lot more of nothing becoming something!

  4. Your post made me cry. You’re in my thoughts & prayers. I hope things will work out. I know they will because I know time doesn’t wait-it just keeps keeping on. Mercury retrograde is over now so things should be looking up. Life has been nucking futs lately. Anyway-you keep being you. You’re a good guy. :-)

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